A thunderous crash upstairs? I run to find my children standing around a broken object with claims that “it’s Not-Me!” Drawings of jellyfish up and down the upstairs hallway walls? It seems Not-Me is also a graffiti artist. The disappearance of all my favorite chocolates? Again, it was Not-Me and his devilish sweet tooth.
Furthermore, Not-Me’s many hobbies and interests include the following:
- Attempting to flush entire double rolls of toilet paper down the toilet
- Unfolding all of my children’s clean laundry and throwing it around their bedrooms
- Scattering kibble throughout the entire house
- Using up whole rolls of Scotch tape daily
- Cutting up pieces of paper into confetti and spreading it into every nook and cranny
Not-Me is also wanted for questioning in a number of recent suspicious circumstances, which match this suspect’s M.O. but for which there were no witnesses:
- String mysteriously appeared out of nowhere in my son’s room, connecting all of his furniture like a giant spider web.
- Someone sneaked into the refrigerator for a midnight snack and spilled juice everywhere.
- The couch cushions keep creeping off of the couch so they can hang out on the floor.
If you have any information about Not-Me’s whereabouts or about the true identity of this sneaky individual, please let me know immediately. Do not attempt to confront or apprehend this suspect because he is exceptionally cunning and capable of anything. Most importantly, though, please take care to watch your own homes closely. You never know where Not-Me will decide to strike next!