Boys Will Be Boys

Recently, I was reminded of just how much I hate the phrase “Boys will be boys…”! As soon as some boys (regardless of their age) get too rowdy or get into trouble, their parents immediately play the boys-will-be-boys card.

“Oh, Jr. didn’t mean to hurt Michael when he punched him in the eye. He just was too caught up in the moment.” “Nonsense, my little Tony’s a good little boy. He was merely having too much fun when he knocked over your daughter.” “What?! You want me to punish Joey because of a little roughhousing? He wasn’t bullying your son; getting into scraps is a normal part of being a boy. Your son will get over it.”

As a mother of two VERY energetic kids--one of whom is an 8-year-old boy--and as someone who has worked with many kids over the years, I know kids can be crazy hyper and unpredictable. And the more kids you put in the same room, the more the hyperness and unpredictability multiplies. If you don’t know how to handle a large group of children or how to diffuse the chaos, kids can eat you alive and try to take the building with you!

Children are still developing their reasoning skills and self control, so problems are bound to rise up every now again. Still, I would like to know when did being a boy become equal to being violent and aggressive? When did society decide that we should be giving boys a pass on bad behavior simply because it’s in their genes? I’m just not buying into all of that hype.

I know what some of you are thinking...I am a woman, so who made me an expert on boys? I never was a boy, so how could I understand what it’s like to be male child? Well, for starters, I was a tomboy. Plus, I have a total of five brothers and plenty of cousins. Also, some of my childhood best friends were boys. So, I may not have been born a boy, but I’ve learned a thing or two about being one.

And I insist that boys don’t have to be “boys”--at least not in the distorted sense of this old phrase. Instead of waving off bad behavior because of gender, I choose to see the unique talents, love, compassion, kindness, and strength of the rambunctious boys, and I try to bring out these positive traits in my own son.

My son is generous with his hard-earned allowance, quick to lend a hand, hardworking, protective of his little sister, and gentle with our pets. Every now and then he does something that touches my heart so much that I tear up with pride. When I see him displaying the qualities that I’ve spent years molding that this is what being a boy is all about...this is the type of behavior which should cause us to murmur “Boys will be boys…”! Yes, this is the legacy we should be passing on from father to son, not some lame excuse that turns our sons into nothing more than glorified beasts. Our sons deserve so much better!

A Poem to My Daughter

My dear sweet, little princess,

You’re growing before my eyes!

I know you are in distress,

And you do not realize

That everything I do--

Both of what seems good AND bad--

I do because I love you

With a love I never had.

You and your brother are two

Biggest blessings in my life.

Motherhood has pushed me through

The most grueling pain and strife.

I am more as a mommy,

With your tiny hand in mine,

Than I ever thought I’d be

Even ‘til the end of time!

You bring out the best in me;

You make me want to be more.

Finally, I can now see

My life IS worth fighting for.

You are only six years old,

So you cannot understand

Why I correct you and scold...

Why I guide you hand in hand.

Oh, it would be so easy

To let you e’er have your way...

My efforts may seem cheesy

And perhaps cause you dismay,

But I only want the best

For you--today and always--

So I will not ever rest

Until only the best stays,

And you become a lady--

Kind, tender, caring, and strong--

Who offers her gifts daily

And who loves her whole life long.

R: Real Friends, Please Stand Up!

Perhaps the hardest part of moving and buying our own home was having to leave our old neighborhood behind. My son and daughter spent 5 years getting to know the children who lived in our neighborhood. It is difficult to leave friendships behind. Almost 6 months later, my children still mourn the end of their friendships, and it makes me sad.

Normally, I would have done everything in my power to keep my kids connected to their friends. However, the months before our move, some of the children started treating my kids poorly, especially my little princess. These children kept making fun of my kids and calling them mean names. On top of this, they would go play with other kids in the neighborhood and then tell my son and daughter that they weren’t invited to play.

I know kids aren’t always nice, and teasing and name calling are a part of life. Still, I have taught my son and daughter that such behavior is unacceptable, and it hurts to see them crying because they think their ‘friends’ don’t like them anymore. My children are very forgiving (as you can see by their desire to still see these children), and I’m proud of this. I am still their mother, though, so it’s my job to make the tough choices and always think of what is best for them.

I want my kids to be forgiving, but I also want them to be smart. If people keep abusing their friendship with you, no matter how many times you tell them it hurts you, it is time to let such friendships go. I want my children to know that it is ok to end a friendship if the other person keeps hurting them. I want them to have the courage to always look out for their best interest. Of course, friendships are precious and should be fought for. But if the other person isn’t doing the same, it isn’t a real friendship, and it’s time to move on.

As warmer weather sets in, my kids are spending more time outside. They are starting to talk to some of the children in our new neighborhood, and I have a feeling they will be making some new friends soon. I hope they find some real friends here so they can finally see what true friendship is and forget the pain of the past. I hope they meet some other kids who are caring and fun to be with--children who are worthy to be called their friends.

Q: Quibble, Quarrel, and Quack

I absolutely love being a mom. It is one of the most rewarding experiences, but all parents know that not every moment with children is peaceful and cheery. Sometimes parenting gets downright difficult, gritty, and unpleasant. My kids have now reached the age that they love to argue with each other. When they were younger they spent more time playing by each other than with each other. Consequently, they had arguments, but they were short-lived and not very frequent. And it was usually over a toy or who could sit in Mommy’s lap.

These days, though, I swear my son and daughter will fight over anything and everything. And at times, I am convinced I have a flock of squabbling ducks wadding around my house. The noise level and intensity of their arguments can be astonishing and quite deafening. When they get into ’duck’ mode there is no yelling over them or reasoning with either one of them. As a result, we have implemented a new rule in our house. If they get out of hand with their quarreling, they have to go to their rooms to cool off until they are ready to talk reasonably with each other and are willing to try to find a compromise.

My kids aren’t too fond of this new house rule, but some sanity has returned to our home because of it. Although they still quarrel over silly things at times (i.e., who a penny belongs to or whose turn it is to let out the dog), I’ve noticed the frequency and intensity of their arguments is diminishing. They hate timeouts, so hopefully their dislike will continue to foster better sibling communication and make them realize that some things are not worth squabbling over. They are now the same age as when my brother and I grew so competitive with each other that it was like we were trying to kill one another. I certainly want to avoid such behavior in my kids at all cost!

Do or did your children have trouble communicating or argue much too frequently? What have you found to be helpful with diffusing the situation and lessening the frequency of arguments in your house?

The Importance of a Sincere Apology

An apology note from my daughter.

I’ve tried to instill in my kids the importance of apologizing when they do something wrong or when they hurt someone’s feelings. It doesn’t matter whether the offense was big or small, intentional or accidental. And it doesn’t matter whether the other person accepts the apology or ‘deserves’ it. These days it seems that far too many people have lost the common sense and the responsibility of a simple “I’m sorry.” And I don’t want my children to join this number!

My 5-year-old daughter’s reading and spelling abilities seem to be improving by the day. She takes so much pleasure and pride in being able to read and write some now…so much so that her favorite pastime right now is writing people notes. Her beginner’s spelling abilities don’t hold her back either. She plods along, sounding things out to the best of her ability.

She produces artwork now that has a ‘to’ and ‘frem’ note scribbled on the back. I get little love notes from her that say ‘I love you Mommy!’ and that feature lots of purple and pink hearts. She has started writing little poems and stories, wanting to be just like me. But the note that touched my heart the most was an apology note that said ‘i AM SOREE.”

Last week, we had a rough day. My daughter was feeling cranky and tired. And she just didn’t want to do school. I told her that she HAD to complete her school work for the day because school is very important. Suffice it to say she didn’t take kindly to my reasoning and once again told me that she hated me.

I had been having a rough day, too, so I teared up a little at her outburst. I sent her to her room for a timeout so she could calm down and think about her behavior. Five minutes later, she returned to me with her little note. I read it and then asked her what she was sorry about. She immediately started crying and told me, “Mommy, I’m sorry that I made you cry. I don’t hate you. I love you so much! I’m sorry I was so mean.”

She gave me the biggest hug and then gave me a kiss on my cheek. Her brown eyes still glistening with tears, she smiled and said, “Mommy, I promise to write you a note every time I make you mad or sad. Then you will always know I’m really sorry because I work very hard at spelling my words!”

This got me thinking about how so many people can’t even take a couple seconds to say they are sorry, but my little girl spent 5 whole minutes trying to figure out how to write out ‘I am sorry’ for the first time. Why is it that as we get older we change? Is it pride or rudeness? Do our hearts become complacent or even hardened? Are we too rushed to notice that we have wronged others or too busy to care? If only we could throw all of that away and just apologize immediately, life would be a lot simpler and more pleasant, wouldn’t it?

A Fifth 2013 Parenting Resolution

Cartoon Zombie

Just a few short weeks ago, I shared with you all my parenting goals for 2013.  Little did I know that something would suddenly pop and change my focus for this year.  The too much TV monster hit my home with a vengeance and caused me to have to respond swiftly and drastically.  You can read more about my 5th parenting resolution on Yahoo! Voices:  http://voices.yahoo.com/my-top-2013-parenting-resolution-kicking-tv-habit-11996978.html?cat=25

Spanking: A Thing of the Past For Our Family

My daughter pretending to cry.

Recently, I was talking with another mother as we watched our children play.  As moms often do, we started discussing and comparing horror stories of past mischief our children have gotten into.  The conversation soon turned to punishment.  When I mentioned that I no longer spank my children, though, the other woman gave me a look like I just proclaimed that I’m into animal sacrifice or believe I was once abducted by aliens!

No, I am NOT a push-over parent.  I don’t allow my children to run free unchecked.  My children aren’t constantly getting into everything or tearing the house apart.  In fact, they are the exact opposite.  My son and daughter are well behaved, and I get compliments all the time whenever we are out about what good children they are.  So why do some people react so strongly and negatively that I have decided spanking is not for my family?

Of course, my children still act out and get into trouble periodically, as normal children do.  But I have learned that using time outs and revoking of privileges for undesired behavior and offering rewards for good behavior work far better than spanking ever did, especially for my son.

Growing up, my parents put fear into me and my little brother by spanking us with their hands and my father’s belt.  This is how discipline was dealt out on both sides of my family for generations, and it just continued from one generation to the next.  I know my parents meant well, but I can still remember the pain, humiliation, fear, and hopelessness like it was yesterday.  I also remember the tears and the worry as I would lie in my bed at night wondering if my parents might actually hate me.  Although this spanking played only a part, my difficult childhood made me decide pretty young (around 13 or so) that I never wanted to have children of my own.

Obviously and thankfully, I didn’t stick to my vow to never become a mother.  Nevertheless, my childhood is always present in the back of my mind, and it is ultimately what made me decide over 2 years ago that spanking was out for me and my family.

My son, who is now 6, was quite the temperamental toddler.  He would have temper tantrums that would make the most patient parent exasperated!  In desperation, I tried spanking him, but he’d scream louder.  I’d spank him again, and he would throw things in his room.  I’d spank him even more, and he’d start slamming doors.  As a single mother, his tantrums were starting to wear at my nerves, and I was feeling overwhelmed beyond words.

Then one day, he was demanding that I take him to his father (who had disappeared from our lives).  When I told him that I couldn’t my son started hitting me and telling me that he hated me.  I was so hurt by his words and angry at the world for suddenly being forced into single motherhood that my temper snapped.  I grabbed my son and went to put him over my knee to spank him (as my parents always did), but the sheer fear and shock on his face made me physically ill.

I was becoming just like my parents--what I had always feared and hated--and I cried.  I hugged my son close to me, and we cried together.  I told him that I loved him and that I understood that he was hurting inside because his daddy had left.  I told him that it hurt me too to not know why his daddy had chosen to leave.  But I promised that I’d always be there for him and never leave.

From that day on, I decided to no longer spank my kids.  It has been a hard journey learning to parent differently than what I was raised to do.  I have slipped sometimes and doubted myself many times along the way.  Yet, seeing how my children have become so well behaved and how my son has grown to be a happier, much more mellow boy has made the struggle so worth it!  I have become a happier and more positive person and parent as well.

Ultimately, I will never go back.  Other parents can ridicule me or think I’m insane all they want, but I know what is right for me, my children, and my family as a whole.  I have seen the positive changes in myself and my children, and I’m happy with the results of my new parenting technique.  That is what truly matters!

Backyard Boundaries

I don’t normally question other peoples’ parenting techniques or choices.  In fact, I’m the first to admit that I am far from perfect and I have made my share of parenting mistakes over the years.  However, I witnessed something last Friday that shocked me so much I still am left trying to make sense of it all!

Friday afternoon, after my children and I returned from walking our dog, I noticed a toddler wandering around in my backyard.  Thinking the little boy might be lost, I was about to go back outside when I heard a voice calling from a few yards away.  Looking out my window, I noticed it was a woman, possibly his mother.  She was hard at work raking her fenced-in backyard.  But instead of answering the woman’s calls and returning to her, the toddler exclaimed, “NO!” and went right back to his wandering.

Immediately, I thought that she’d surely come and get him now since he was running even farther away and was refusing to listen.  Instead, she continued her yard work, yelling even louder to try to get the little boy to come back.  Every minute or so, she’d yell again, but the toddler showed no sign of wanting to return.  He was too busy picking dandelions in my yard.

I didn’t want to interfere because neighborhood drama is the worst, but I also didn’t want anything to happen to the boy.  I stood there watching him in utter disbelief.  I had never been in this type of situation before, so my mind was racing, what should I do?

Finally, after several minutes of them yelling back and forth, I decided I had had enough and I started for the backdoor.  But just as I went to reach for the doorknob, I heard the woman call again, and the little boy yelled, “Okay!” and ran back to her.

Yes, she was watching him the entire time he was running around in neighbors’ yards.  Yes, she wasn’t happy with his behavior and was making sure he knew it.  Yet, I can’t help but feel a little disturbed!  Toddlers can be quite a handful and can get into trouble in a heartbeat.  What if he had decided to veer for the alley behind our houses?  And what about teaching our children to respect other people and their property?

I have taught my children from a very young age to not go into other peoples’ yards or to pick their flowers without permission.  There are people who find that sort of behavior unacceptable regardless of age or circumstance, and we should respect that.

Maybe I’m an overprotective parent with old-fashioned ideas, but I would never leave my children do what this toddler did.  In my mind, not only is it unfair to neighbors, it is also putting the kid at unnecessary risk.  We hear about kids wandering off and getting hit by a car far too frequently.  And that doesn’t even count the accidental drownings and deaths from other accidents.  I know most parents have the best of intentions with their children, but sometimes I wonder if some parents are truly thinking about the possible consequences.

What do you think?  Have/would you ever allow your own young children to do something similar?