Attitudes Are Shown AND Taught

As parents, we desire the best for our children.  We want them to grow up to be strong, healthy, smart, productive, caring, and happy adults.  We want to offer our kids a little better taste of the good life than we had ourselves.  A thousand amazing possibilities dance through our heads as we proudly watch our little ones grow, achieve, and evolve…until a temper tantrum, ungrateful comment, or I-can’t/I-won’t attitude brings it all to a screeching halt!

Immediately, our minds start racing.  Where did I go wrong?  I’ve taught my kids to be polite and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.  I’ve encouraged them to do their best in everything.  I’ve tried to make learning fun and exciting   I’ve taught them to respect me and all authority figures.  I’ve told them it’s not okay to lash out in anger.  I’ve taught them so much…what happened?

Trust me.  We’ve all been there many times.  The truth is I’m finding myself there a lot more the older my kids get.  In my latest turmoil with my kids, I was reminded of something invaluable: we can’t simply ‘teach’ our kids and walk away.  Especially with things like attitudes and habits, teaching is not enough.  Once the teaching is over, the lesson has barely begun.

We must remind our kids of our teachings from time to time.  We should also be helping them reflect upon and grow to understand our teaching completely.  But most importantly, we need to create the best habits and attitudes in our children by repeatedly living our teachings.  Kids really do learn best from our example and they adopt our attitudes and habits...much more than we realize.

Recently, my 8-year-old son has been consumed with such a negative, impossible, and uncooperative attitude lately.  Of course, kids go through phases and have their difficult moments. However, I sensed there was something more to this.  Then, this week, I was going through my Facebook timeline to find something I had post a few days past.  It didn’t take me long before I realized that I’ve been excessively negative and irritable lately.

Of course, I have good reason.  My health hasn’t been the greatest lately, we are trying to fix a small financial crisis,  and I’ve been going through a difficult time overall.  It’s healthy to vent and express negative emotions; however, lately, I’ve let it consumed my day.  Instead of venting and then refocusing on the positives or finding constructive ways to deal with my issues, I’ve gotten stuck on the expressing part.  If my social media accounts are this full of negativity, how has my offline life looked like lately?  I can tell you it isn’t pretty!

Ultimately, I’m determined to bounce back from this situation and use it as a way to teach AND show my kids that life gets hard at times, but it’s never ok to allow it to leave you bitter or angry.  It is not fine to allow difficulties to rob your life of happiness, joy, and your healthy relationships with others.  And I want to help my son to see the positives in his life again, so he can be much more positive and happy about the ups and downs of childhood (and beyond).

Super-Duper, Super, SUPER Old

My 7-year-old son and I were talking just a little bit ago. He wanted to know more about a bracelet I had given him about a year ago. He just found the bracelet in the bottom of his toy box and was dismayed that it is starting to fray around the edges. This conversation transpired:

Son: “Mommy, how old is this bracelet? It’s starting to come apart, and I’m sad!”

Me: “Well, I got it while I was still in high school, so I’m guessing it is 11 or 12 years old.”

Son: “Really? That’s super-duper, super old!”

Me: “But I’m almost 30. If that bracelet is ‘super-duper, super old’, what does that make me?”

Son (without hesitation): “You are super-duper, super, SUPER old!”

Yes, thanks, kid! Thanks for your support here. Turning 30 won’t be difficult enough without my kids putting their two cents in.

I have to laugh, though. Just wait until HE is about to turn 30. Just wait until HE has a little kid tell HIM he is ancient. His time will come. Life has a way of turning full circle and repeating itself, just with different roles or different players. Although I don’t recall, I have a feeling I once was in my son’s shoes and called my own parents old. And now I know how they must have felt. The universe has one crazy sense of humor!

How do your kids feel about your age?

A Poem to My Daughter

My dear sweet, little princess,

You’re growing before my eyes!

I know you are in distress,

And you do not realize

That everything I do--

Both of what seems good AND bad--

I do because I love you

With a love I never had.

You and your brother are two

Biggest blessings in my life.

Motherhood has pushed me through

The most grueling pain and strife.

I am more as a mommy,

With your tiny hand in mine,

Than I ever thought I’d be

Even ‘til the end of time!

You bring out the best in me;

You make me want to be more.

Finally, I can now see

My life IS worth fighting for.

You are only six years old,

So you cannot understand

Why I correct you and scold...

Why I guide you hand in hand.

Oh, it would be so easy

To let you e’er have your way...

My efforts may seem cheesy

And perhaps cause you dismay,

But I only want the best

For you--today and always--

So I will not ever rest

Until only the best stays,

And you become a lady--

Kind, tender, caring, and strong--

Who offers her gifts daily

And who loves her whole life long.

Seeing Myself Through My Daughter's Eyes

My daughter's family portrait

It may sound strange, but I find solace in my children’s drawings of me. They can offer such profound and touching insights into my son and daughter and how they see the world around them. For example, my daughter had to draw a family portrait for art class this week. Looking over her artwork, I realized that she doesn’t see me as I see myself.

I’m subconscious about my extra pounds, short height, and a few other small physical features. But in my little girl’s drawing, all that doesn’t matter. All the members in our family are around the same height and have no signs of love handles anywhere. And even though we aren’t perfect, we seem happy and content as can be just being together.

Undoubtedly, that is how it should be. That is what I try to teach my son and daughter. Yet, I find myself being hypercritical of every little flaw I see within myself or on my body. I need to find a way to finally practice what I preach!

I want my little princess to continue seeing the best in people. I want her to always see the best in herself, too. Consequently, it is time for me to face my inner critic and tell this ugly voice it is time to go. It is time for that critic to stop harassing me and abusing me with her insults and wisecracks.

It is time to start loving myself for who I am, regardless of my imperfections. I need to take a lessen from my daughter and find my inner and outer beauty. I must find a way to permanently shed this unhealthy image that has haunted me most of my life.

My future AND my daughter’s future depend on it! I should NOT be living this way, and I will NOT pass this flawed thinking down to my daughter. The ugliness, self-hate, and low self-esteem stop here. It’s time to get comfortable in my own skin and be happy with who I am--for me AND my little princess.

The Loss of My Little Helper

I am mourning tonight the disappearance of my little helper. Once upon a time, my 7-year-old son was incredibly eager to always try to help me. He took great joy in little chores around the house and was always asking permission to do this or that for me. Even when he was 2-years-old he loved to clean and help me around the house or the yard.

But today marks the end of a beautiful and amazing era: my little helper isn’t so little anymore and he has now decided he hates chores. Say it isn’t so! I had mistakenly believed this time would never come. I had always assumed that since cleanliness seemed like second nature to my little boy, I would never have to worry about him. Boy, was I wrong!

This evening turned into a huge battle with my son over a tiny little chore…something he used to volunteer for with excitement. Now he tells me that chores aren’t any fun, and I am mean to make him do any work around our house. His words cut me to the deepest part of my heart. Once I was so proud of his strong work ethic and desire to be helpful. Now, I’m left wondering where I went wrong.

In reality, though, my son’s current state of mind has absolutely nothing to do with my parenting skills or lack thereof. He is now becoming much more independent, so he doesn’t like when he is told what to do anymore. Oh, when he chooses to clean he is still an eager beaver, but as soon as I mention that I want him to do that same chore, his stubbornness knocks all sense out of him. He whines, complains, drags his feet, and finds every way possible to take longer or not do nearly as good of a job. Seeing how much effort he puts into not giving his best effort is simultaneously infuriating and saddening. I know I have my work cut out for me until this phase comes to an end.

Maybe someday my little helper will return—and if he does, I promise to never take him for granted again! Maybe he is gone forever. Either way, I must find a means to show my son again why hard work and wholehearted effort is important in life. Slackers and procrastinators get nowhere in this life, and I want the best for my son. I want to see him flourish and succeed, not doom himself to mediocrity and the bare minimum.

Has your child ever gone through a similar stage? Did your little helper ever return? Did you find a way to show your child that working hard and helping out is a crucial part of life? I’d love to hear about your experience!

Mother's Day Reflections

It is amazing how much we can change, while still being the same person. A long, long time ago–ok, more like 10 years ago–I was convinced that motherhood was not for me. I strongly believed that there was no way I’d ever become a mother. My childhood had been nowhere near normal. I didn’t have a very close relationship with my parents. So, I was convinced that I would be the world’s worst mother. I have always love children, but what did I know about properly raising kids? Ultimately, I couldn’t justify putting any child through that uncertainty.


Now those days seem like just a distant memory–almost like it was a lifetime ago. This Sunday will be my 8th Mother’s Day, and I’ll be eating up my two children’s attention and affection. They are now old enough to understand what Mother’s Day is, and they get thoroughly excited every time it comes around again. I’ve been getting showered with extra drawings, hugs, kisses, and I-love-you’s all week. It’s great to be a mom!

I know I’ll never be a perfect mother. I make mistakes and always will. But judging from my kids’ infectious laughter, frequent smiles, and affection even towards each other (at least most of the time), I must be doing something right. According to my 5-year-old daughter, I am “the bestest Mommy ever” and she is so thankful that I take such good care of her and her brother. Who knew I had it in me?

I can’t imagine my life without my children. They are such an enormous part of who I am today that I can’t fathom being me without them. I look back and realize that I was a frightened, scarred, and insecure girl 10 years ago. I had the sense to know that motherhood isn’t easy and shouldn’t be approached lightly. However, I failed to see all that I learned from my childhood and less-than-perfect relationship with my parents. All that happened in the past helped prepare me for the mother I am today because I was so determined not to repeat my own parents’ mistakes. I’m so relieved that I finally gave motherhood a chance, for it has changed my life forever!

Happy Mother’s Day to all my readers out there! If you are a mother, grandmother, or other special lady, I hope you have a relaxing day full of love and laughter. And for everyone else, don’t forget to spoil the women in your lives. You know your life wouldn’t be the same without them.

Mommy Doesn't Work...8 Hours Every Night

It’s funny how kids can so easily misunderstand things. Sometimes, it is pretty funny the way little minds try to understand the world around them. Other times, it’s hard not to feel a little sad about their misconceptions. Recently, my son and I got into a tiny argument about his homework. He didn’t want to practice reading. In fact, he was determined to not do school ever again! I tried to explain to him why reading was so important—an explanation that included that reading was necessary for getting a job.

As soon as those words were out of my mouth, my son glared at me and said, “I don’t plan on ever getting a job. You don’t work, so why should I?!”

I know kids will be kids, and temper tantrums are a part of the parenting journey. Still, his words really stung. I may not work outside my home but raising and cyber-schooling two children is hard work. Besides, I spend an average of 6-8 hours each day working diligently at my writing, long after my family is fast asleep. It may not make me much money now, but I’m working towards something bigger and better that will help make my family more financially stable. I know he is too young to understand that I work my buns off for him and his sister. Yet, it still hurts that it goes unrecognized sometimes.

I hope as he grows older that he will see that everything I do is for the betterment of our family. I frequently skimp on sleep, occasionally pass up on fun activities, and forever plan and refocus myself, so I can offer more for my children. No, I don’t write solely for my children’s benefit. However, a lot of the driving force behind my writing is related to my son and daughter. They give me the added push I need to make myself sit down and work, even when I don’t feel like writing. They also are one of my biggest inspirations for my ideas and creativity. They bring out the best in me and make me always strive to be better than I am now. I honestly believe I wouldn’t be the writer I am today without my children, and I thank God every day that I have them in my life!

X: X's and O's

I remember when I first learned what X’s and O’s stood for as a little girl. I would cover the cards and drawings that I made for people with a thousand abbreviated hugs and kisses. I wanted my friends and family to know that I loved them so very much, and in my little mind, a paper full of X’s and O’s was the perfect way to prove my love.

As I grew older, my obsession with writing a zillion X’s and O’s started to fade. Soon, I found myself writing them only on rare occasions. My mom, however, still is a big X’s-and-O’s fan. She signs all her cards to my son and daughter with a huge string of them. For the longest time, my children didn’t pay these letters any mind. However, since they are now reading, they finally asked me what this strange ‘word’ means.

I explained to them that X’s and O’s in cards and letters stands for hugs and kisses. I told them that it is an easy and quick way to show someone that you are sending them your love. Now my house has turned into a giant Valentine’s Day mailbox. It is filled with countless papers covered with X’s, O’s, and carefully drawn hearts. As my kids love to say, every day is Valentine’s Day here. It’s important to tell everyone that we love them, and we aren’t afraid to show it!

In a way, I am overjoyed to see my kids express their love for others so openly and freely. I remember that my family was much more closed when I was growing up and it sometimes left me wondering if everyone truly loved me. But my kids will never have that problem. They are my little cupids, spreading love, hugs, and kisses wherever they go—all year round. And my family no longer hesitates to return some of that affection.

Do you ever wonder how much more beautiful this world would be, if only we would be more open about loving others? Just seeing how much my children’s love has opened my own heart over the years has convinced me that love is a powerful thing. With love, anything is possible and the possibilities are truly endless.

R: Real Friends, Please Stand Up!

Perhaps the hardest part of moving and buying our own home was having to leave our old neighborhood behind. My son and daughter spent 5 years getting to know the children who lived in our neighborhood. It is difficult to leave friendships behind. Almost 6 months later, my children still mourn the end of their friendships, and it makes me sad.

Normally, I would have done everything in my power to keep my kids connected to their friends. However, the months before our move, some of the children started treating my kids poorly, especially my little princess. These children kept making fun of my kids and calling them mean names. On top of this, they would go play with other kids in the neighborhood and then tell my son and daughter that they weren’t invited to play.

I know kids aren’t always nice, and teasing and name calling are a part of life. Still, I have taught my son and daughter that such behavior is unacceptable, and it hurts to see them crying because they think their ‘friends’ don’t like them anymore. My children are very forgiving (as you can see by their desire to still see these children), and I’m proud of this. I am still their mother, though, so it’s my job to make the tough choices and always think of what is best for them.

I want my kids to be forgiving, but I also want them to be smart. If people keep abusing their friendship with you, no matter how many times you tell them it hurts you, it is time to let such friendships go. I want my children to know that it is ok to end a friendship if the other person keeps hurting them. I want them to have the courage to always look out for their best interest. Of course, friendships are precious and should be fought for. But if the other person isn’t doing the same, it isn’t a real friendship, and it’s time to move on.

As warmer weather sets in, my kids are spending more time outside. They are starting to talk to some of the children in our new neighborhood, and I have a feeling they will be making some new friends soon. I hope they find some real friends here so they can finally see what true friendship is and forget the pain of the past. I hope they meet some other kids who are caring and fun to be with--children who are worthy to be called their friends.

M: Marry-Me Mania

My mom will be getting married in June. My fiancé and I making weddings plans as well. And my brother is engaged now as well. So, weddings are on everyone’s minds right now. My 5-year-old, though, is especially fixated on concept of getting married. Not a day goes by without her asking me a thousands questions about weddings and marriages. She wants to know everything!

I thought it was so cute and funny…until one day, she walked up to me and asked, “Mommy, when can we have my wedding? I know who I‘m going to marry!”

Few parents are ready to let their children go off and start lives of their own, but with my children only in kindergarten and 1st grade, I choked on my morning tea. I was NOT ready to even think about wedding date for my daughter--not that early in the day and not that early in motherhood!

Recovering from my initial shock, I asked her who this person was that she was so determined to marry already. It turns out it is a little boy in her class--her online cyber school class! Yes, folks, my daughter thinks she’s in love with a little boy she’s never met. She has heard her voice many times and has seen a couple photos which he shared with the class. But other than that, she hardly knows him.

I had to smile, though. I remember my first “boyfriend”. His name was Brian (or Bryan, I can’t remember which anymore), and he was my neighbor. We started “dating” in kindergarten and we showered each other with little gifts. When I had to move away not long after the beginning of 1st grade he made me mixed tape (now I realize how talented of a little boy he truly was!) and asked me to marry him. He wanted me to move to his house, so we could be together forever. But alas, our parents wouldn’t have any part of it.

It seems like a couple lifetimes ago, but I still remember how much I cared about Brian and was convinced that we would get married someday. Things seemed so much simpler then. I still sometimes wonder what might have happened if I had never moved. But I have a feeling that our little relationship would have ended long before middle school.

These days few people fight through the hard times to get to get to their golden years. Couples are often too busy fighting among each other and eventually give up than try to fix their problems. It’s shame they will never know what they could have had together. As I watch my little princess scribble little hearts and the little boy’s name on paper, I send silent prayers up that one day, when she is truly ready to be married (and maybe when I’m more ready to give her away) that she finds a man worthy of her love, who will cherish her and protect for a lifetime.

K: Kindness and Karma

My son sharing the last strawberry

One of the most important things we can teach our kids is kindness and the idea that our deeds--good and bad--will come back to us someday. Lately, I have been reminded again just how judgmental and hateful people can be. It shocks and horrifies me that human beings can treat each other with such rudeness and meanness. We all have our problems. We all make mistakes. We all do things that are wrong from time to time. So why do some people feel they have the right and even the obligation to condemn others for their sins?

I am not one of those people that doesn’t believe in a clear right and wrong. Actually, I do try to live my life as I feel I should. But even when I try my best, I still fail at times. It’s those times that remind me that I am in no position to be passing judgment on others. Instead of judging, I know I should be spreading love and kindness to those around me, regardless of who they are or what they’ve done wrong. And that’s what I strive to teach my kids. I want my children to treat others like they want to be treated and to always attempt to be fair.

If more people would practice this mentality, can you imagine how much more pleasant this world would be? I know I can. Sometimes I get so frustrated that my kindness and consideration is often only rewarded with rudeness or lack of appreciation. Yet, I firmly believe that we do reap what we sow. Thus, until the day I die, I will do my best to be a considerate person and take the higher road. It isn’t going to be easy, especially when rude jerks can run rampant in this world. Ultimately, though, I want to stay true to myself and to be an example to my children that I can be proud of.

I: Infinite I-Don't-Know's

Not so long ago, I was the target of endless whys. It didn’t matter what I said or asked my kids, I was immediately bombarded by a zillion whys. In fact, I didn’t even have to say anything at all to get them started. My 5-year-old daughter is still firmly entrenched in why territory. My 7-year-old son, though, is now on his way out and entering the infinite I-don’t-knows. I will ask him a question and he will immediately reply, “I don’t know, Mommy.”

The funniest part of this new transition is that our roles are reversing. He was the one constantly asking why to the point I’d start throwing out exasperated I-don’t-knows. Now, though, I find myself asking him why every time he tells me he doesn’t know. So now our conversations will go something like this:

Me: “What do you want for breakfast?”

Son: “Oh, I don’t know…”

Me: “Um, why don‘t you know?”

Son (shrugging): “I don’t know.”

Me (wanting to pull my hair out): “But how can you not know what you want to eat?”

Son: “Because I don’t know!”

I don’t know if these I-don’t-knows are my past I-don’t-knows coming back to haunt me. Or perhaps it’s just the normal progression of things. Whatever the cause, I’m trying my best to help my little guy become more decisive with his daily decisions. I know he so wants to be independent. However, he isn’t completely capable yet of always weighing his options. Despite my frustration, I try my best to help him see his options and pick the best one for him. And I support him even when the choices that he makes aren’t the greatest. In the end, I want him to grow confident in himself and realize that I have his back to help through the consequences of every single one of his decisions.

F: Show Me Your Fabulous Facebook Face!

One of my daughter's many "Facebook faces"

I’m not sure if it’s a sign that this IS the social media age or if it is evidence that I spend a little too much time on Facebook. Either way, my kids have coined the phrase “Facebook face” in our house. Over the years, they have had a lot of fun making silly faces and asking me to photograph them. Since a lot of family and friends live out of our area, I started privately sharing these silly photos on Facebook. What better way to keep in touch than chronicling my kids’ ever evolving silly faces, right?

It wasn’t long before they would walk in the room, strike a goofy pose, and giggle, “Mommy, take a picture so we can put it on Facebook!”

In time, it got shortened to, “Hey, Mommy, look at my Facebook face!”

Now my camera, cell phone, desktop, laptop, and Facebook page is full of silly photos of my son and daughter. In our house, sitting to watch a slideshow of some of their goofy photos is our version of reviewing family videos. It’s actually a lot of fun and guarantees an evening of laughter and even some hiccups.

I just wonder how long it will take before these photos go from being hilarious to humiliating. Whether I like it or not, my kids’ teenage years are ahead. Although I found most of my childhood photos entertaining as I teen, I remember that there were a few that I wanted to steal from my parents and burn. Will my children continue to look fondly on these photographs as reminders of all the great times we had as a family? Or will they eventually view them in horror and want to pretend they don’t exist? I guess time will only tell.

D: Dear Daddy

My dad (2008)

It’s funny how we take our parents for granted until they are no longer with us. Although I cherished the relationship I had with my father, part of me was sure he’d live forever. He had always been in my life, in some form or another, so I couldn’t imagine life without him. My wedding day, the birth of all of my children, the publication of my first book—all my hopes and dreams were imagined with him right along side me.  There are still so many things I'd love to say to him, and I've written him quite a few letters since his passing in 2011.

Soon I will be getting married and it bothers me immensely that he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle. In fact, it saddens me that he never even got to meet my fiancé. My fiancé is a good man with a kind heart and a strong affection for my children. He is the type of man that my father had always hoped I would meet someday. I know with all my heart that my dad would be proud and happy with the man I have decided to marry. Still, I wish he could here for this momentous occasion in my life.

Seeing how my parents didn’t last, I had always assumed that I would never get married. And then after the father of my children just walked away without a single glance back, I was sure I was destined to forever be a single mom. In the end, I stopped daydreaming about weddings, thinking that day would never come.

Despite my strong negative feelings about marriage, my father was wise enough to foresee that one day I’d find the right man and everything would fall in place. I just don’t think he realized he would leave this earth so soon and not get the chance to witness it. My wedding isn’t going to feel the same without him, but I’m determined to take him with me on that day.

No, no matter how old I become, he will always be my daddy. The bond between father and daughter can’t ever be broken. Even death can’t take that love and affection away. I just hope that it doesn’t take my children as long as I did to realize that our time with our parents is limited. Therefore, we really need to be making the most of every moment and cherishing every second they are still in our lives.

Saying Goodbye to Winter

Winter seems mostly behind us (knock on wood!).  The snow is all melted from our yard today, and as I was taking our family dog for a walk this afternoon, lots of birds were chirping and singing in the drizzling rain. With the air getting sweeter and the sun shining brighter by the day, I can’t help but impatiently await spring’s arrival.

But as this winter comes to a close, I can’t help but feel a little melancholy. Winter, after all, holds its own special memories of days spent with my kids. Races through the snow, snowball fights, sledding, snowmen, snow angels, and then hot chocolate afterwards to warm us again from head to toe…I just adore moments like these!

I taught my 5-year-old daughter how to make a proper snowball this year--only to have her fling that same snowball right into the side of my face. My 7-year-old son finally grew brave enough this winter to sled on his own. And since we moved into our new home, we got to explore the backyard together, trying to find the perfect spots for sledding. I ended up cracking a sled and getting stuck under a bush. Yes, this winter was full of fun and amazing surprises, and in a way, I wish it didn’t have to end.

As my family and I prepare for spring, I know our winter memories will remain close to our hearts long after the last snowflake melts. And I know we’ll be giggling for years to come about how Mommy tried to make a sled path and managed to get eaten by a bush (as my kids’ call it). All things must come to an end, no matter how wonderful they are. However, I hope we have just as many memorable moments this spring…and during the many more seasons to come!

When My Kids Get Sick

I absolutely hate being sick, but what I hate more is my kids getting sick. Luckily, my son and daughter haven’t inherited my poor immune system. I remember how miserable I was as a child during periods when I was sick more often than well. Still, I wish my kids never got sick. It breaks my heart every time!

This week both of my children came down with a cold. I have a touch of it, but I’m mainly miserable because I can see how bad they feel. No, it’s nothing serious, just your normal annoying cold. But what I wouldn’t give to take their sickness away right now.

Their little runny noses, nasally voices, and coughs bring out the mother hen in me. Lots of fluids, even more rest, and homemade chicken noodle soup—that’s what Mommy prescribes. They get a little grumpy at me with my smothering mothering sometimes. I guess I can over do it now and then. But hopefully one day they will see that I’m only pushy and obnoxious because I care and worry.

It is times like this that remind me of just how much my children mean to me. And then I am reminded that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if anything ever happened to them. Most of the time, I’m a laidback mom. I don’t usually get too paranoid, although there are certain rules my kids are NEVER allowed to break (i.e., helmets must be worn with bikes).

Still, I know there is a protective side of me that would go berserk if anyone or anything threatened my kids. They really are my world. They are a big part of my existence. I realize now that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I never had them. They bring out all the best things in me and make me constantly desire to be better. There really isn’t anything I would do to protect and provide for my son and daughter.

The Importance of a Sincere Apology

An apology note from my daughter.

I’ve tried to instill in my kids the importance of apologizing when they do something wrong or when they hurt someone’s feelings. It doesn’t matter whether the offense was big or small, intentional or accidental. And it doesn’t matter whether the other person accepts the apology or ‘deserves’ it. These days it seems that far too many people have lost the common sense and the responsibility of a simple “I’m sorry.” And I don’t want my children to join this number!

My 5-year-old daughter’s reading and spelling abilities seem to be improving by the day. She takes so much pleasure and pride in being able to read and write some now…so much so that her favorite pastime right now is writing people notes. Her beginner’s spelling abilities don’t hold her back either. She plods along, sounding things out to the best of her ability.

She produces artwork now that has a ‘to’ and ‘frem’ note scribbled on the back. I get little love notes from her that say ‘I love you Mommy!’ and that feature lots of purple and pink hearts. She has started writing little poems and stories, wanting to be just like me. But the note that touched my heart the most was an apology note that said ‘i AM SOREE.”

Last week, we had a rough day. My daughter was feeling cranky and tired. And she just didn’t want to do school. I told her that she HAD to complete her school work for the day because school is very important. Suffice it to say she didn’t take kindly to my reasoning and once again told me that she hated me.

I had been having a rough day, too, so I teared up a little at her outburst. I sent her to her room for a timeout so she could calm down and think about her behavior. Five minutes later, she returned to me with her little note. I read it and then asked her what she was sorry about. She immediately started crying and told me, “Mommy, I’m sorry that I made you cry. I don’t hate you. I love you so much! I’m sorry I was so mean.”

She gave me the biggest hug and then gave me a kiss on my cheek. Her brown eyes still glistening with tears, she smiled and said, “Mommy, I promise to write you a note every time I make you mad or sad. Then you will always know I’m really sorry because I work very hard at spelling my words!”

This got me thinking about how so many people can’t even take a couple seconds to say they are sorry, but my little girl spent 5 whole minutes trying to figure out how to write out ‘I am sorry’ for the first time. Why is it that as we get older we change? Is it pride or rudeness? Do our hearts become complacent or even hardened? Are we too rushed to notice that we have wronged others or too busy to care? If only we could throw all of that away and just apologize immediately, life would be a lot simpler and more pleasant, wouldn’t it?

Mommy's Valentines

A valentine from my daughter

You are Mommy’s valentines;
Your sweet kisses fill my heart.
You will forever be mine,
For I’ve loved you from the start.

Your smiles brighten my day.
Your laughter lifts up my soul.
Your warm hugs take me away
And on the rough days, console

I’m not sure why God chose me
To have two children like you,
But I’m happy as can be
And feeling super blessed, too!

You are the best surprises
That I could ever ask for,
And each time the sun rises,
I thank God a little more.

I never knew love at all,
‘Til I held you in my arm--
Your bodies so frail and small--
And vowed to keep you from harm.

Right now you can’t understand
How much you’ve affected me,
But one day you’ll see firsthand
That you’ve set my spirit free!

The Hurtful I-Hate-You's

My Daughter's Self-Portrait

Everyone seems to warn you about the terrible twos, the endless why’s, and the troubled teens.  But nothing I have ever read, discussed, or imagined prepared me for what I have come to call the hurtful I-hate-you’s!

My 5-and-a-half-year-old daughter has always been my sweet little princess.  She stole my heart the moment she looked up at me with those big brown eyes as I was holding her minutes after she entered this world.  She was my cuddle bunny, snuggling up with me every opportunity she could get and wrapping me in the softest hugs I have ever known.

Her smiles and giggles have brought so much life and happiness over the years.  And her silly sense of humor has filled even the worst days with laughter.  That’s why I was totally unprepared for the change that has taken over my lovable little girl.  Just about a month or so ago, in a fit of anger, her tiny little voice rocked my world with her first “I hate you, Mommy!”

Even though some time has passed, I still remember it like it was yesterday, the sting of her words keeping the shocking incident fresh in my mind.  One typical weekday morning, not long after the end of my children’s winter break, I was hard at work preparing for my kids’ cyberschooling.  My children were eating breakfast and watching cartoons in the living room.

When time came to begin the school day I told them to turn off the TV and go change out of their pajamas.  My son, without a fuss, turned off the television and went straight to his room to get dressed.  My daughter, on the other hand, starting pouting and complaining because I was interrupting the episode of Dora the Explorer she was so intently watching.  Despite my reassurances that it was a Dora rerun and readily available on Netflix for them to finish after school, she exploded.  She began yelling at me that it wasn’t fair and that she hated school—that it kept her from doing the things that she wants to do.

Taking the typical mother’s position, I sat her down and explained that school was necessary and that sometimes we all have to do things that we hate.  I suggested that she find some way to tolerate and get through it each day, so she could have more time to do fun things.  Well, that just infuriated her more.  I tried to reason with her again, to no avail.  And finally, she glared at me with her little mouth twisted into a sneer and screamed at me, “I hate you, Mommy!”

In utter shock and hurt, I sent her to her bedroom for a timeout—for both of us.  I went to my own bedroom and cried.  How could my sweet little girl hate me so?  Just a few short days before, we had been best friends.  We had a girls’ night in, taking turns styling each others’ hair and painting our nails together.  How could things change so drastically in less than a week?
Over the next few weeks, her fits grew worse and worse and the I-hate-you’s were used more and more.  I was at my wits end and so emotional that I didn’t know what to do!

In the end, it took a lot of soul searching and thinking before I finally got up the nerve to sit down with her this past weekend and talk to her about it.  After another I-hate-you incident, when all was calm and normal again, I called my little princess to sit next to me and we had a little heart-to-heart conversation.  I asked her how she felt when someone says mean things to her.  I allowed her to gone on and describe what she thinks and feels when such a thing happens.  And then I revealed to her what her heated words do to me.
She immediately frowned and told me that she doesn’t like when other people cry because it makes her sad and then she starts crying.

After that I asked her directly why she tells me she hates me during these situations.  Her tiny face scrunched up for a moment, as she mulled it over in her head.  Finally, she looked at me and said, “Mommy, I hate school.  It isn’t any fun.  And I think it is mean for you to make me do it.  I don’t get to play enough, so I hate when you tell me I can’t play.”

Confused, I asked her, “Does that mean that you don’t really hate me?”

Immediately, she replied, “I love you, Mommy.  I just get mad at you.”

You would not believe the relief I felt.  My daughter didn’t really hate me!  Since our little talk, the I-hate-you’s have stopped…for now.  I know that with the tumultuous moods my princess gets into these days chances are these hurtful words are bound to surface again.  But if they ever do, I’m prepared.  I now realize that this is only a stage she is going through—not the product of some poor parenting on my part.  And I now know in my heart that she still loves me, no matter how much she rants and raves to the contrary.

For those of you with young children who might be going through a similar phase, don’t take your little ones’ words at face value.  Young children often don’t have the ability to properly express and deal with their emotions.  And this is just a product of that immaturity.  Just do what you can to weather the storm and hold the beautiful memories and happy moments close to heart.  It will pass soon enough!

My Top 4 Parenting Resolutions for 2013

The last 2 years have been challenging for me and my family. Death, illness, and a difficult move, added to the normal strains and hurdles of everyday life, left us often worrying what other negative things could happen in the future. Now that 2013 has begun and life is starting to settle down, I am extremely eager to brush away the troubles of yesterday and start fresh in the new year.

For me, that new start begins with some reflection and resolutions for 2013. As a parent, I strive every day to grow and to try to be the best parent I can possibly be. Consequently, it is only logical for me to include parenting goals every year in my New Year’s resolutions. This year I want to focus on the following areas:

2013 Parenting Resolution #1: Have More Fun

First and foremost, I want to make sure I have more fun with my kids. Since I cyber school both of my kids and I am a stay-at-home mom, I spend lots of time with my children every day. However, in the last year or so, I’ve noticed that I don’t play with them nearly as much as I used to. Maybe it’s the added work of cyber schooling two this year. Or perhaps I have allowed the stress of the last couple years get the best of me. Or maybe having a chronic pain condition (fibromyalgia) has complicated things more than I anticipated. Either way, I vow to get up and move with my kids, laugh like there’s no tomorrow, and act silly until our sides hurt. I know my physical and mental health will thank me, and it will help make my family’s bond even stronger!

2013 Parenting Resolution #2: Get More Organized

Related to my first resolution, I hope to get more organized in 2013. Being more organized means more time to have fun with my son and daughter and a lot less stress for the whole family. No more spending hours rooting for lost items. No more wasting time arguing over who’s turn it is to do this or that. Without making life too rigid, I want to streamline daily tasks and ensure that everyone is completing everything they are supposed to be doing. The months before our move, I spent hours sorting through and condensing the things in our house. Now I want to make sure that everything left will have a designated place. And I want to do everything possible to make certain that we can use our time efficiently, leaving more time for fun family activities.

2013 Parenting Resolution #3: Don’t Take Myself So Seriously

It may seem counterproductive, but in 2013, I also want to quit taking myself so seriously. Perfection is impossible. We all make mistakes. There are only so many hours in a day, so we can’t accomplish everything we would like. We have bad days and little bumps in the road happen. My inner perfectionist is constantly there yapping and making me worry. However, stressing too much over the little things is bad for the health. It makes us feel angry with ourselves and grumpy--perhaps even pessimistic and a little depressed. It keeps up late worrying and overanalyzing, creating a pattern that can reduce our rest and make us more susceptible to colds and other illnesses. So, when my inner critic decides to rear her ugly head in 2013, I’m going to send her packing. Life is much too short and precious to be constantly worry over the could-have-beens, should-have-beens, and little mistakes!

2013 Parenting Resolution #4: Prioritize Me Time

Last but not least, I need to make me time a priority. This one I have failed miserably at since I first became a parent 7 years ago. I’ve read a hundred articles and have been told by many people that taking care of ourselves makes us better parents. A little me time every day can help us stay healthy, reduce our stress, and make us happier. Still, there’s a little voice inside of me that screams “Your kids should come first!” each and every time I try to make a little time for myself. What is it about prioritizing ourselves a little that makes us feel so horrible and as though we were committing some heinous, despicable crime against our children?

Whatever it is I am vowing here and now to ignore that accusing, guilt-inducing voice from now on! Yes, I am a mother, and it is my duty and honor to care for my family. Yes, I shouldn’t be selfish and put my happiness above everyone else’s. Nevertheless, there is a time and place for being a parent and then another for being a woman. If I give myself a little time daily to relax and unwind, I’ll sleep better and come back recharged and better prepared to be the mother my children need.

Now that I have shared some of my New Year’s resolutions, what are some of the things you hope to accomplish in 2013?